Making small choices for my greater good

[Jacqueline Hynes]

I gave up drinking quite naturally over the past year...It just happened. I started to get up early in the mornings, filling my weekends with art projects, with love, with things that seemed to get in the way of drinking. And I needed to do that and was glad it happened so naturally. These days, I find myself drinking a little more, not often, but when I do it's excessive and I feel out of control. I haven't ruined my life or anyone elses for that matter, but I am all too familiar with the early signs of bad drinking. So, as of today, I am making the deliberate decision to quit, before it becomes a problem. I asked myself what it was that scared me about my casual drinking, which most participate in without a second thought...And I have an answer: I don't like losing control. I don't recognize myself after a few. I'm not a terrible drunk and in fact most would say I'm quite the laugh! But I never end up laughing. All I think is how come I can't be so dynamic, so articulate, so funny when I'm sober...Now as I said this comes from a place where I don't necessarily have a problem. Consider it a proactive attempt to prevent there being a problem. I want to be the best I can be, I don't want to be acceptable, or be the average person. Five drinks on a Friday night, is one less book I'll read, one less meaningful conversation I'll have, one step further away from building my strength and maintainng my delicate health. I've lost some things recently, and not due to drinking, just a result of life and when you experience a loss, I know I feel the need to replace it somehow...And like the average human being, I seek immediate comfort. And no matter how in control I feel, no matter how many times I say I'm grounded and therefore I can push my limits because I have somewhere to go back to, I know in my heart that I am fooling myself. So world, give me strength to do those little things that will form the foundation of a better life. And help me continue taking those small steps so that the stairs may keep climbing forward.
JH

[Diana Daly]

This was so good to read Jacqueline. And it's all true. This is a hard drinking town and I only fully realised that after I moved away from it. When you drink less, or not at all, you have totaly control over yourself. You can still have tons of fun but things are better without the beer goggles. It's just really sad to me how much our social alcoholism leads to people hurting each other, not speaking to each other sober, not being able to express themselves and lots of other things.

anyway, blear de blear, thanks for posting this and good luck with it. I think it's a smart choice.

ps- I lost a bunch of weight when I stopped dinking regularly! That is another excellent bonus! Ta!

[Jacqueline Hynes]

'Let it be what it is'-that's been an important statement for me lately...a little spin on yours Lois.

[Jacqueline Hynes]

Hard drinking town indeed :) And yeah Natasha, it can be really unsafe for women. I've actually had my drinks spiked and on a regular basis felt concerned for my safety. We have to be proactive-I mean we can complain about how it's unfair that a woman can't/shouldn't/whatever walk alone at night, but the truth is that it isn't safe and we have to take precautions. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and I agree that it's well worth it-you're worth it, I'm worth it, we're all worth it. Be well.

[Lois Brown]

Good thoughts, Jackie. And you know, it is what it is: a statement both silly and profound.

[Jacqueline Hynes]

In response to Lois, I guess it's how you look at it. I think am truly fortunate despite and because of some of the hard trials I have been through and I hope you would say the same. It's hard sometimes not to feel like its all really unfair, and I'm not saying life isn't but there are many other areas to focus on or whys to review a situation. At this point in my 'life therapy' I'm starting to feel like the abuse is responsible for the strength I now have. That's a hard thing to swallow. And earlier in my life I could never imagine contributing my favourable qualities to something so drastic. It's a perspective thing I guess, just like getting up in the morning and seeing a rainy day as an excuse to read a good book instead of an obstruction to going outside.

[Natasha Boodansingh]

Good for you Jacqueline. I have had to live with the consequences of having one too many too many times. Sometimes it's not how you yourself act, but how others act when a girl has had too much to drink. I had to clamp down to keep myself safe...and because I hated not being in control. It's a hard drinking town...so it's not easy sometimes...but it's well worth it.

[Lois Brown]

I agree it's hard - but then every once awhile it all lightens up - or you see something beautiful. Or something. Always some have it easier and some have it way harder - it all sounds so cliche, eh? I guess its a cliche cause people have posited as truth so often.

[Jacqueline Hynes]

Thanks Lois. Yeah...Getting to path B, however courageous, is easy when you think about making your way to Z. And I'm not diminishing making the decision, cause that's hard and important...But staying on the path? I'm not fooling myself anymore into thinking that making the decision is half the work. Same goes for writing or anything else-Good writers rewrite and rewrite and rewrite allllll the way to path Z. You said something one night about things needing to be hard cause that's where real progress happens and I thought I knew that, but really I only knew it in theory. Now I know that it's going to be hard all the way through and even though sometimes I might feel like I've been through enough already I''m starting to realize to not expect the wine and roses after I've put so much effort in. That's a hard thing to swallow, life being hard all the time. But I guess the idea is that it won't feel so hard after awhile because you'll be used to fighting and you handle it better...I don't know really, it's all debatable I suppose. But I do know one thing and it's that a sense of entitlement or reward for hard work shouldn't be expected. I've stopped expecting and I guess that's more about appreciating the 'process' of life more so than being pessimistic. I will raise my glass (of water) and toast to life, 'little by little' Cheers!
jH
(And if I was totally honest with myself, I would admit that I've had a drinking problem in the past and it's still a problem, just one I disguise really well)

[Lois Brown]

That's the way to roll - my new fav cliche. Good for you. Takes a lot of courage and commitment. BTW, the issue of whether its a problem or not popped put at me - cause I do have a problem. But to myself I finally said: who cares whether you have a problem or not - your decisions do not have to go before a jury. They could be decided by the committee in your head as opposed to the judge in my head...Anyway this makes me think of my fav slogan (my fav for the year before last year): "think, think, think" - meaning think before you act, cause this what you are about to do leads to the B path and you want to go down the z path. This one helps me alot. My fav this year is "little by little." Love your blogs and posts.